The Comedy Central Roast used to be a must-see television event. It was a series of comedy specials, where one unlucky celebrity (for whatever reason) agrees to get spitted like a pig and roasted by a dais of comedians, celebrities, and close friends. The roastee is hit with the most offensive, racy, personal, and vicious punchlines imaginable; nothing is off-limits when it comes to roasts.
Many of the jokes will make you laugh. Others might make you gasp, clutch your face in surprise, or squirm uncomfortably in your seat. Some very famous names have been roasted over the years, such as Justin Bieber, former President Donald Trump, and Pamela Anderson. The last roastee was Alec Baldwin, back in 2019 in a pre-COVID world.
Many people suspected that it would be the last roast because of our politically correct and overly sensitive society. But that was proven wrong when Netflix brought back the comedy roast and placed Tom Brady at center stage.
Tom Brady is widely regarded as the greatest quarterback of all time. I mean, just look at these ridiculous stats. Seven Super Bowl titles, the most of any player in NFL history, and a five-time Super Bowl MVP. Brady holds the record for most career passing yards, completions, touchdown passes, and games started. He’s also the leader in most career quarterback wins, quarterback regular season wins, and quarterback playoff wins, thanks to his insane longevity in the NFL. à
There’s no doubt about it, Tom Brady is a champion. But on Netflix’s comedy special, The Roast of Tom Brady, the NFL’s famous quarterback found himself taking more hits than usual. The comedy special was a breath of fresh air; it was racy, it was hilarious, and it was offensive. A lot of shots were fired that night. But here are ten of the best and most vicious, hysterical jokes from The Roast of Tom Brady.
10 “Gisele Gave You an Ultimatum.” – Kevin Hart
As Hollywood’s biggest comedian (at least, not in stature), Kevin Hart was brought in to host Brady’s star-studded event. He warned the audience in the beginning, “Get comfortable being uncomfortable.” And boy, was he right. As is tradition, the roastmaster kicked off the night with some jokes of his own.
One of Hart’s funniest and most brutal shots was aimed at Tom. “Gisele gave you an ultimatum. Gisele said, ‘You retire or we’re done. You retire or we’re done.’ Let me tell you something,” Hart said seriously to the crowd. “When you got a chance to go 8 and 9, and all it will cost you is your wife and your kids, you gotta do what the f*ck you gotta do.”
Unless you live under a rock, then you know that Tom Brady was married to supermodel Gisele Bündchen for a number of years. That is, until he rescinded his retirement. Brady returned to the NFL for one last season and ended up with a mediocre 8-9 record — followed by a very public divorce. From the outside, it really did seem like Gisele gave Tom an ultimatum: football or family.
And we all know what Tom chose. Brady’s divorce from Gisele was the butt of many jokes at the roast, which his kids apparently weren’t pleased with.
9 “Would You Like a Massage?” – Jeff Ross
Comedian Jeff Ross is known as the “Roastmaster General”, the king of roasts for his offensive and racy jokes. Ross was the first comedian to step up to the podium after Kevin Hart. And the man did not disappoint. You knew the heat was coming as soon as Ross showed up wearing an O.J. Simpson jersey and black leather gloves.
As usual, the comedian attacked everyone within sight. He recounted the legendary story where, after being selected by the Patriots in the sixth round of the NFL draft, Brady “walked into Robert Kraft’s office and said, ‘I’m the best decision your organization has ever made’.” And then Ross added after a brief pause, “Would you like a massage?”
Brady was a good sport for much of the roast, laughing off the jabs about his sexuality and ex-wife. But this joke, he did not like. After hearing it, Brady stood up from his seat, walked over to the podium, and said to Ross, “Don’t say that s**t again.”
The joke in question pokes fun at Kraft’s 2019 scandal, where he was charged with soliciting prostitution at a massage parlor. Brady is known for his deep respect for Robert Kraft. It’s interesting how this one joke can elicit a reaction from Tom Brady, but not any of the dozen or so jokes that were made about his ex-wife and children.
8 “It’s Hard to Walk Away From Something That’s Not Your Pregnant Girlfriend.” – Nikki Glaser
You’ve probably already seen the highlights of this one. Comedian Nikki Glaser was one of the best performers of the night. She had a killer set that took shots at everyone on stage, especially Tom Brady, who was a bullet-riddled corpse by the time Nikki finished. It’s almost impossible to pick just one joke from her many hysterical punchlines that night.
But Nikki’s best joke just might be this zinger that she tossed at Brady: “You retired, then you came back, and then you retired again. I get it. It’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend.” There were a lot of jokes about Tom’s retirement and his ex-wife Gisele.
Interestingly, Glaser was only one of two people to poke fun at Tom for infamously breaking up with his then-pregnant girlfriend Bridget Moynahan (the baby was his, by the way) and then quickly moving on to date Gisele, making this joke stand out from all the rest.
Nikki had so many other great jokes that we feel obligated to give her some flowers. Honorable mentions include her dig at fellow comedian Jeff Ross: “You look like your pronouns are it/that. You look like something cancer catches…The only time Jeff ever got a woman wet was when she helped roll him back in the ocean.”
And then there’s this bomb that she dropped on Tom Brady: “Five-time Super Bowl MVP, most career wins, most career touchdowns. You have seven rings. Well, eight, now that Gisele gave hers back.”
Ouch.
7 “Just Because You Wear It Doesn’t Make It Real.” – Sam Jay
Like she says during her set, comedian Sam Jay is from Boston. But that didn’t stop her from pulling any punches when it came to roasting Tom Brady. Ironically, though, it wasn’t even Brady who got hit with Sam’s best joke. It was Drew Bledsoe (pun intended), the New England Patriots’ quarterback who was famously injured in a 2001 game against the New York Jets.
Bledsoe’s injury paved the way for Brady’s success. The backup quarterback stepped in and took the Patriots to the Super Bowl — and he won. And thus, the legend of Tom Brady was born.
Despite being hospitalized and sidelined for much of the season, Bledsoe still earned a Super Bowl ring with the Patriots. But as Sam Jay points out to him during her set, “The only ring you have is the one Tom won for you. So your Super Bowl ring is just like my strap-on. Just because you wear it doesn’t make it real.” Even Bledsoe, a former NFL quarterback who’s used to taking hits, must’ve felt the sting from that one.
6 “I’m Begging You—Please—Stop Doing Your Job.” – Bill Belichick
Bill Belichick was Tom Brady’s coach for 20 years under the New England Patriots, and together, the two established a legendary football dynasty. People speculated that the pair were on bad terms after Brady parted ways with the Patriots. Because of this, no one was expecting Bill Belichick to show up at The Roast of Tom Brady. Plus, the former NFL coach is known for his serious, never smiling demeanor.
It was a surprise when Belichick took to the podium — and an even bigger surprise when he was actually pretty funny. Belichick joked around with his old players, many of whom still clearly respect him.
But his funniest joke was reserved for former Patriots tight end Rob “Gronk” Gronkowski. “You know, a lot of people connect me with a saying called, ‘Do your job’…And Gronk, I’ve been watching you on FOX NFL Sunday, and I’m begging you—please—stop doing your job,” Belichick humorously pleaded with his former player. “Do another job. Do somebody else’s job.”
Even the roastmaster had to give Bill Belichick his flowers after the performance. “I like the fact that you actually had the balls to come out here and do the f*cking roast,” said Kevin Hart earnestly. “Everyone has an assumption about the relationship of [Tom Brady and Bill Belichick]. But the dope thing is, ultimately, when you see the relationship support one another and have fun with another, that’s what the relationship is.”
Hart followed this up by uniting Belichick and Patriots owner Robert Kraft on stage to do a shot together, another pair who’s been speculated to be on ill terms. It was a touching series of moments in an otherwise vicious night.
5 “Look A**hole…” – Julian Edelman
Several of Brady’s old Patriots teammates showed up to roast him, including “zero-time SuperBowl Champion Randy Moss” (a joke that was made numerous times during the night) and the seemingly unhinged Gronk. But the teammate to deliver the best roast was Julian Edelman, Brady’s former wide receiver.
You could tell that Edelman saved a special joke for his old coach, Bill Belichick. “You remember when you used to yell at us, ‘Look a**holes, the f*cking kids down at Foxborough High can make that f*cking play,'” Edelman recounted. “I’ve been waiting for this for so long. ‘Look a**hole, Foxborough High is the only job you f*cking have!'”
This hard-hitting line refers to Belichick’s lack of job prospects sine leaving the Patriots in January 2024, another popular joke during the comedy special.
4 “Gronk, I’m Glad You Could Take a Break From Writing Santa Letters to Be Here Today. ” – Tony Hinchcliffe
If Tom Brady is the GOAT of NFL quarterbacks, then Tony Hinchcliffe is the GOAT roaster of this comedy special. Like Brady, Hinchcliffe was throwing bombs — very offensive bombs — at everyone. The comedian went down the dais and annihilated everybody in his path, one-at-a-time, dominating the stage with charisma and confidence. Hinchcliffe had so many incredible jokes at this roast; you could make an argument for any of them as his best.
But our personal favorite is this one-two punch to Brady’s favorite tight end. “Gronk, I’m glad you could take a break from writing Santa letters to be here today. I knew you were here when we were all out of chocolate milk backstage.” A lot of jokes were made about Gronk’s intelligence, but this one stands out as the best.
A teary-eyed Kevin Hart gave Hinchcliffe his flowers for unleashing a killer set. Well, we believe in giving flowers, too. Here are a couple of other hysterical jokes from Tony Hinchcliffe at The Roast of Tom Brady. “Tom is afraid of the Giants, which is why Kevin Hart is hosting tonight,” he said. “All night he’s been using the stool that Aaron Hernandez kicked out from under himself.”
And then there was this gem for Sam Jay: “She’s a black l***o, which means she doesn’t eat p***y. She ‘Aw, hell, gnaws’ on it.” Even Hinchcliffe’s fellow comedians were doubling over with laughter, cheering him on while he massacred them. By the time he was finished, the stage was littered with roasted carcasses.
3 “What a Dais We Have Here, Ladies and Gentlemen.” – Andrew Schulz
Rocking an oversized suit jacket and a creepy 1970s mustache, Andrew Schulz was one of the last comics to deliver a roast. And like many of his predecessors, he went straight for the jugular.
“What a dais we have here, ladies and gentlemen,” he said, looking around him. “This stage has seen more head trauma than a Kennedy on a campaign trail.” This racy joke pokes fun at Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy (CTE), a brain trauma that plagues many NFL players after years of hard hitting — and likens it to the fatal headshots suffered by president John F. Kennedy and his brother, Robert Kennedy.
2 “Or As We Call That in the Manning Family: Thanksgiving.” – Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning is another legendary quarterback with impressive stats. He’s a two-time Super Bowl champion, five-time MVP winner (the most of any NFL player), and holds a number of records, including most single-season passing touchdowns.
During their careers, Peyton and Brady were regarded as two of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, which established a rivalry between them. Their games always attracted a lot of attention, as viewers tuned in to settle the age-old debate: who was the better quarterback? Peyton or Brady? During their 14-year rivalry, Manning and Brady played each other 17 times, with Brady winning 11–6 over Peyton.
Peyton’s Surprise Appearance
Despite their rivalry, Brady and Peyton developed a mutual respect for each other, to the point where Manning made a surprise appearance at The Roast of Tom Brady. It was very cool to see these two NFL legends once again sharing the stage.
Manning had a few zingers for his old rival, most notably this one: “Honestly, it is great to be here with a bunch of people sitting around, talking smack about Tom Brady. Or as we call that in the Manning family: Thanksgiving.” Peyton isn’t the only Manning to establish a rivalry with Tom Brady. Peyton’s younger brother, Eli Manning, played Brady twice in the Super Bowl — and beat him both times.
1 “Kim Was Terrified to Be Here Tonight.” – Tom Brady
And now we’ve come to our last roaster of the night: the guest of honor himself, Tom Brady. It was time for the NFL legend to take his revenge and dish out all the sh*t he’d taken over the last three hours. In classic Brady fashion, the quarterback attacked all his opponents, chucking bombs all over the stage. It was this joke, though, that packed the hardest punch.
Referring to roaster Kim Kardashian, Brady remarked, “Kim was terrified to be here tonight. Not because of this, but because her kids are at home with their dad.” Their dad, of course, is rap superstar Kanye West, who divorced Kardashian and has been exhibiting unusual behavior the last few years. It was one of those jokes that drew scattered laughs and a lot of oohs from the audience.
As the evening’s roastee, Tom Brady sure did bring the heat. Here are a couple of his other offensive but funny jokes that we can’t help but mention. “Like the rest of America, I’ll always remember where I was that fateful day in September of 2001, when tragically, those two Jets slammed into Drew Bledsoe.” This was another one that drew a lot of groans from the audience, as Brady compares Bledsoe’s career-defining injury to the horrors of September 11th.
And then there’s this one for his old rival, Peyton Manning. “I know sometimes you live in Denver, and sometimes you live in Louisiana. But you will always live in my shadow.” The Roast of Tom Brady was viewed two million times on its debut night, which hopefully means more comedy roasts from Netflix in the future. Stream The Roast of Tom Brady on Netflix.
